Guests and Hosts in Japan, Part I

Philosophers have reminded us that the word “host” is related to “hostage,” and that the distance between hospitality and hostility is less than we would like to think. In some languages, such as French (with the term “l’hôte”), the distinction between host and guest is either unknown or ambiguous at best. In any case, it is an interesting example of a relational concept, regardless of the language involved, which cannot stand in isolation—to be a host, in other words, one needs a guest.

What I would like to do in the next two entries is to discuss the interrelated roles of guest and host in Japan. Most non-Japanese will play the role of guest at least a few times during their stay in Japan. Many who set down roots here will at some point find the tables turned, so to speak, with themselves welcoming others to their workplaces or perhaps even to their homes. Recently, while watching a television show featuring two couples (one international) that “swapped” partners for a few days, I was reminded of the different attitudes toward hospitality between Japanese and other cultures. Though it seemed a bit exaggerated at times (as most “reality” shows undoubtedly are), the Japanese wife who stayed with the foreign husband looked genuinely put out by his constant hosting of parties. My own wife had said to me, “How awful it must be to be his wife!” So, I began thinking about this apparent difference in attitude concerning hospitality, in being either a guest or a host.

Let me begin by looking more closely at the behavior expected of guests in Japan. First and foremost, the concept of “amae,” (passivity or dependency) — what psychologist Doi Takeo claimed to be one of the most powerful forces shaping Japanese culture — is a key to understanding the guest-host relation in Japan. I would define amae as allowing oneself to be babied, and entrusting oneself, completely, to another’s care. This also means, as a consequence, indulging one’s hosts in what can surely be, at times, annoyingly doting or infantizing behavior, something that grown adults from other cultures might not appreciate. This cuts both ways, of course, and it can likewise be very pleasant. It depends on the degree to which a person is babied, I suppose, and his or her attitude toward being placed in such a passive role.

In my case, when I was an exchange student, I stayed for one semester with a very kind, elderly Japanese couple. However, our relationship ended on a sour note due to the different attitudes we apparently held concerning the guest-host relation and amae. I found out, later on, that they had hosted one other student before me — a 16-year-old high school girl who was the daughter of a friend of the family — and apparently they had approached me in much the same way (almost as chaperones). The biggest difference was, of course, that I was a 26-year-old man, and that I didn’t appreciate being told to “come home right away after school.” I ended up truly feeling like a hostage, culminating in a nasty incident that highlights the difference in attitude.

Returning home “late” one night — at 7 pm, no less! — and missing dinner due to staying on campus to hear a lecture, I found myself locked out, then scolded for being late. To make matters worse, I had told them about this ahead of time and warned them that I might end up coming home late, so I couldn’t understand what all the fuss was about. But it appeared that I had overstepped some boundary, and that I was seen to be selfish and rude. To this day, I am still not sure what it was that upset them — the fact that I had missed our communal event (eating together in front of the television) or perhaps that I had inconvenienced them in some other, less obvious way. In any case, from that time forward I increasingly asserted my independence and, after an initial attempt to control me failed, they eventually resigned themselves to the fact that I was going my own way, before losing interest in me altogether. I suppose the lesson to be learned from this is that it is best for both parties involved to understand, from the outset, the expectations of one another and to behave accordingly.

One unmistakable faux pas that foreign guests often commit is to be seen as picky or demanding. To ask your host for a half-decaf, nonfat, soy latte in response to “Would you care for a cup of coffee?” is an obvious enough no-no in any culture. But there are more subtle ways that guests can be seen as demanding or insensitive. Having food allergies or being vegetarian, religious, and so on, of course cannot be changed. However, I recall eating at a friend’s home and the fuss caused by a fellow guest who loudly complained that she couldn’t stomach dark-meat chicken, even after she had seen that this (fried chicken, thought to be a foreign food, I suppose) was to be the main dish. The ensuing meal was, to put it mildly, a bit awkward, with the hosts scrambling to prepare an alternate main dish for this one guest. It should come as no surprise that this was the last time foreign guests were invited to this particular family’s home.

Now, I would not go so far as to say that one shouldn’t be truthful about one’s feelings regarding food (or alcohol, etc.), but whenever possible, perhaps instead try to conceal whatever your true feelings might be — say, about eating raw horse meat or pickled squid entrails, deep-fried sparrows or whale blubber. Japanese children are taught to eat whatever is placed in front of them, without complaining, and as a result flexibility and acceptance are virtues. For example, I once ate an entire jar of bee larvae, almost on my own (mercifully accompanied by a generous amount of alcohol), so as to avoid insulting a friend’s father-in-law (who apparently still talks about me, and wonders when the bee larvae-loving gaijin will stop by again). That isn’t to say that one should feel compelled to consume bizarre foods, but it does mean a certain level of tolerance for the “odd” or seemingly grotesque be maintained whenever possible.

One last point, concerning being a good guest in Japan, would be to not feel compelled to help out in the kitchen by washing the dishes and so on. It is actually, in most cases, more stressful for your host than if you merely sit down, play the proper role of honored guest, and do nothing but relax. I will continue with this theme in the next entry, taking up the role of host and pointing to ways in which we can alleviate stress and avoid conflict in both business and personal relations in Japan.