Secrets and Lies

Being a foreigner in Japan, friends and colleagues are constantly coming in and out of your life - with most people here for a stint of just a couple of years, the friendship turnover can be rapid. While people coming and going is something you get used to, at least to some extent, the secrets and lies surrounding the moves are something I think I will struggle with as long as I’m here.

The friendships you have in Japan can be intense. Reliance on each other is often stronger than back home where you have a wider network of both friends and family. Given the desire to get out and experience the place (and perhaps lack of lure to stay in due to Japanese television, or a small apartment etc), you often see each other more regularly than you would your friends at home. You also rely on them for help in situations where you wouldn’t usually need help, and indeed confide in them more readily than you would with typical new friendships.

The reality of the situation is however, that when it comes time for one to consider leaving Japan, often this information is not shared. The foreigner world of Tokyo is indeed a small place – there are great friends amongst competing companies, colleagues or at least friends of friends with these connections, and disclosure of such information can be dangerous on many levels.

As such, I find myself living in somewhat of a paranoid state. I have been here long enough to experience how upsetting it can be to have good friends leave – several times. It’s not fun. Amongst those of us here, I know I’m not alone in my paranoia… I notice that every time I meet with my good group of girlfriends we always have a quick update on one another’s’ plans regarding how much longer we intend to stay in Japan. We know that with many of us that, even if we were to be leaving, we couldn’t disclose this to each other, but we ask anyway at least so as to be able to reassure ourselves – even if just for a moment.

There are ways of uncovering such secrets, however, by simple observation in behavior. Firstly, someone who just suddenly stops shopping could be hiding their desire to no longer want to accumulate things they are going to have to be moving soon enough. The canceling of holidays, or a reluctance to book scheduled holidays can likewise indicate the prospect of having to book return flights from a different international airport, or even reassess the holiday location given what part of the world one will be traveling from. Generally though, any one of us could be leaving at any time and it’s a part of living here that we just have to accept.

Perhaps as somewhat of a coping mechanism, I tend to generally ignore the prospect of any of my friends leaving the country. As well as the fact that too often I have heard of people apparently heading on to ‘greener pastures’ only to have their circumstances change and suddenly be staying, I like to avoid getting upset about it all until I absolutely have to – for example, we are tearfully saying farewell as they climb the few stairs of that Limousine Bus…

Ultimately, having the friend leave is more upsetting than the realization their plans were not shared with you, but I’m sure one day, I’ll be on the other side and learn of the difficulty of not being able to share with my friends something that is obviously going to be a big deal in my life.