The Art and Science of Finding Love

During a recent discussion with my husband, he mentioned that he thought looking for a spouse was similar in many ways to looking for a job. Further research proved that he is not the only person who thinks so. Last year one of the most popular, newly-published expressions in Japan was "kon-katsu" or "marriage-hunting". Coined by authors Toko Shirakawa and Masahiro Yamada, the expression is a derivation of "shushoku-katsudo" or "job-hunting". To my surprise, I learnt that the opinion expressed by my husband had actually become a recognised social phenomenon in Japan. There are now many organisations catering to single people who are starting to believe that if they really want to find someone to marry, sitting back and waiting for that to happen is simply not doing enough.

And statistics show that single people in Japan really do want to marry. In a recent survey, 90% of the single men and women respondents aged between 18-34 stated that they did hope to marry in the future. With such a high percentage of the single population looking for love, why does it appear to be so difficult to find?

For a country with a long tradition of arranged marriages, for many, knowing where to look and what to look for are the biggest obstacles. For working people, the most obvious place to meet someone has always been at work but relying on this alone imposes limits that can deter from meeting with success. Understanding that there is a need for more inspiration on where to look at least partly explains the plethora of match-making and dating agencies specialising in personal introductions. Some of these are highly exclusive - with price tags to match. Joining an agency that will arrange two dates a month with either doctors or dentists will set you back a cool ¥400,000 a year - if you're a woman. Unusually but not surprisingly, the men in this case, are free.

If you view the search for love as being a similar exercise to that of looking for a job, then this kind of introduction agency could be the answer for you. While there is no doubt that such arrangements can and do work for some people, to others there can appear to be something ultimately defeatist about resorting to this kind of service. A friend recently toyed with the idea of using an agency, egged on by well-meaning colleagues. The thought that ultimately prevented her from taking the plunge was that she didn't believe she really needed that kind of assistance and therefore did not really want to meet somebody who did need that kind of help. Whether you feel agencies are for you or not, what is certainly true is that the more people you meet from as many diverse backgrounds as possible, the greater the chance that romance of the lasting kind, will appear.

With this in mind, a different approach to finding a partner could be by taking up residence in one of the new kinds of shared housing apartments currently gaining in popularity around the country. These buildings offer single rooms at reasonable rates to people living on their own, often with the added bonus of there being no key money to pay. Shared facilities generally means a communal kitchen, shower rooms and living room/lounge but may also include home theatres (for films) and gyms. This style of living seems especially attractive when compared with the alternatives; staying with parents or taking on an apartment, both of which can help be isolating and therefore not really for someone trying to make as many connections as possible. Rooms in such apartments are open to working people, students and non-Japanese so the range of people it is possible to meet is actually extremely wide. Add to this the thought that you may also get to meet the friends of the other people sharing your building and the potential pool to choose from increases exponentially.

As women have sought to carve out more of a career for themselves, the age at which people tend to marry and start a family has slowly been increasing - another factor that is making it harder for people to find partners. One of the more recent - and popular - dramas on television has been "Around Forty", a series spun out of this very theme. In the past, being single at forty almost certainly meant that you were confined to remain single for ever. Thankfully, social expectations are becoming more relaxed and it is no longer unusual to delay marrying until mid-to-late thirties or older. This has obvious implications on whether or not a couple are able to have children and the most sensible approach to take would be that if you know you definitely do want to raise a family, the earlier you begin searching for the perfect mate to do it with, the better your chances will be of finding them.

Some general tips: do not be deterred by age alone and try not to limit your options with preconceived notions regarding such things as your ideal partner's job, social status and looks. Remember that romance can blossom in the unlikeliest of places and determining what draws two people together is in no way an exact science, whatever the sociologists may say.

With Valentine's Day fast approaching and big, squashy love hearts adorning everything in sight, why not take a more traditional approach to the event? Rather than feeling the compulsion to splash out on 'giri' chocolate for all the men in your office (who are probably only going to take it home and give it to their wives or girlfriends anyway), why not try something made popular by the Victorians in Britain? Valentine cards were sent by both men and women and were usually a hand-made card with words of love or a poem written inside and sent anonymously to the person they secretly admired. Words have power and they have the ability to instigate great things. Adopting this kind of positive attitude in itself can help to draw the person of your dreams to you.

One organisation currently running social housing of the kind discussed here is ReBITA Inc. based in Tokyo's Shibuya-ku.